During the late night conversation with g, another idea arose. i closed my eyes and created a picture of the empty space inside the box, and then with no real thought filled it with a train, a toy train on a track circling a mountain.
g drew this too:
I spend a lot of time on trains, living in hertfordshire and working in lincoln, i commute each week, taking 4 hours in each direction. This not only causes issues when it comes to actually living with g, but also acts as a brick wall when it comes to planning a future with each other. We can't buy a house, where would we live? We can't have a dog, I wouldn't be there to take care of it, and on that, we can't have a baby, because i wouldn't be able to leave home each week.
Having a child of my own is probably my biggest, strongest desire for as long as i can remember. (quite a few interesting points in that statement)
When asked at school what i wanted to be when i grew up, my answer was never, to be rich, to be famous, to be a cowboy, like all the other kids. My answer was simple honest and true, I just want to be happy.
A few years back i was the dj at a friends birthday party, it was fancy dress, with the theme being "what do you want to be when you're older?" An interesting question for someone in their mid twenties. But i struggled to come up with an idea, unsure about my career and what i wanted from that, where it was going, IF it was going anywhere at all. The only thing that i could think of was my desire to be a father, the only thing i am 100% sure about. And so i dressed as a dad, no idea how i did that, but that's what happened.
So what's this got to do with this blog / project?
Well, i've decided to put myself in the box. Create an autobiographical piece, a self portrait, but not in the traditional sense.
I wish to explore my memories of my own childhood / my currant situation, the ticking clock of the approach to 30 / and my desires and aspirations for the future.
Not one box but three
A PAST / A PRESENT / A FUTURE